Getting Talkative about " ayaw mo lang ako makasama"

now realizing what i just wrote... i realize that im very much like my mom... she has always been the "kontrabida" or say the evil one at home for being an advocate of her cause... which if u are able to experience it, its basically just love, care and being thoughtful. yes it sounds bossy and and it sounds really irritating and would really piss the shit all out of you but that's her way....

now it got me into thinking am i doing the same or not? somehow what happened earlier was i said something when i really meant slightly another. i said it in such a way that i already know what's going to coming out of her mouth. well i tweaked it... and said something like... " you wont be able to earn money if u come home in 6 months..." when really it should have been... " you have to endure that pain and loneliness for awhile coz you have to be at home at NZ." now i don't know if that was dumb or not. was that selfish or not. for you, whoever is reading this blog, which i don't know if anyone else is. Im not sending my girl to battle... i have my own battle here in Manila. Just clearing and wiping my ass and washing my hands there for a sec. maybe i should have just said something like this first " hey i don't think you coming home in 6 months will help u adjust with the life u have there, maybe it would make it worse, you might get spoiled coming home every 6 months and that would be costly and inturn might not make u be able to adjust in NZ." Yeah that would have been quite better i think. well thats what i think, then again she might still say " TANGINA kung ayaw mo kong makasama eh di wag!"

I tend to divert whatever i say to something else.. like for this instance i diverted it to money. maybe i just dont like saying it straight up for her coz she always takes it in a wrong way... she always question my love for her. she always takes it there regardless of me caring for her well being while she is adusting into a new country. this sucks... really sucks. or maybe im just being dumb here.. maybe i should say it straight up without any expectation on what she will say. coz pretty much before typing those words i said above... i already knew what she was going to say... and boom she said it... i better think twice maybe... or whatever... this really sucks... when we started with the conversation with joy and happiness.... ended up saying Tangina and Putangina.

If you knew me and had the time to be with me in this house you will know how much i want to see her. Damn, I think Mik ( my housemate) is really tired of hearing her name in almost whatever i see and say... that's why maybe she hooked up with her X again and they are back together to be rid of all those jenny jenny jenny hahaha... his own private life. i guess thats it. hahahhaha... then again mik is a sucker a lot of times for love, and by saying a lot of times i mean a lot of times with one girl.

I don't understand why she keeps on questioning my love, she can't get it, and i don't want to change how i show my love for her, coz not that im being an asshole but im pretty sure i give ample love to her. but she still has to see it... she is so visual and so by the book, so not risk taking when i never broke her heart in a way that would question my love for her. she needs to see written paper signed by witnesses and known by community and whatsoever. i want that too but thats not the core of Love for me. Love is just Love, love is writing and bitching and looking for answers and stuff, like writting here in this blog. thats love for me, coz i care enough to write down how i feel, how i see, how i care on this piece of machine... and for 5 years that we are together i have never doubted her love... never, neither was i confident...

This is Hard... a Very Very Hard Game to play... but i dont play it... maybe that's why its hard. coz i dont play it... I dive headon...